Fiona McPhillips is a freelance journalist and academic researcher. Having given birth to her son in 2003, she then faced three rounds of Clomid, three IUIs, two IVFs and suffered six miscarriages before giving birth to her daughter in 2008. She went on to have another son in 2009.
Moving on up
Every night for the past five and a bit years, I have checked on James before going to bed, to make sure he is still breathing. Every night I feel the usual relief, give him a kiss and off I go. Then I check on Anna (still in our room). Once again I feel relief when I see her chest rising and falling but then something else happens. I feel a little thrill of excitement and then I get giddy. Sometimes I giggle, sometimes I jump up and down. Every night I get this rush of…..I’m not sure what – happiness? joy? innocence? She is still here, yes, there is definitely a beautiful, breathing, live baby in my room. We did it!!! Seven months on and I still get a buzz every time I think of that.
She is chatting (mama (this was her first word, at five months), dada, baba, anna, nana (technically the same word as anna)), sitting, not rolling or crawling, obsessed with remote controls, smiling and laughing almost all the time (the only time she complains is when there is a remote control out of reach) and generally behaving very well indeed. She doesn’t sleep through the night (wakes 2 or 3 times for a breastfeed) but she does eat everything she can get her hands on (brussel sprouts, yum yum!). I am used to the painful process of mealtime with a fussy eater so am overjoyed to have a food-compliant baby.
I’m not going to lie (I was going to but decided not to!), I do think constantly about trying again. I think about how far I could go, how much I could put my family through and to what extent it would be worth it. I also think about the fact that I probably won’t have another child and I think I could come to accept that. Not when I hear pregnancy announcements obviously – I still get in a strop about those and probably always will! But they belong to other people’s hopes and dreams. I have mine already.
As for me, I am a normal person now. Really. I look forward to social events, meeting friends, making plans, hanging out, going shopping, eating out, staying in. I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life. I’m going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I do that all the time too, I try not to bawl into grateful tears everytime I check in on them, not having much luck so far
I’m having a tummy tuck soon which will close that chapter for me for good and I need an excuse because like you I always wonder how far i could go but I’m trying to be practical and it was hard being pregnant after all the losses especially for Mr A. and Lala, I have to think about them too otherwise, I’m just being selfish, you know.
Glad to read your in a good place now.
xxx
January 13th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Well done on the normal.
I have a vague memory of what that was like, and I’m not so sure we’ll see it again, but enjoy it.
Well deserved.
January 14th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I think I know how you feel – if that doesn’t sound too cliched or patronising. I have 2 beautiful children too and would love two more. Just had my third miscarriage even though I was on cytagest etc for this one but lost it very early. It is getting to the stage now that I feel I will be very lucky to conceive and carry one more, let alone two! There is just that feeling of my family not quite being complete and although I get on with my business and normal life, that desire to have another child is still there in the background. Maybe it will always be there?!
Sounds like the strops at other pregnancy announcements are par for the course (for me, it is when anyone announces their third or fourth).
I realise, of course, that to those who are desperately trying to conceive their first baby, that I must seem like a lucky cow and should be grateful for what I have. And I am, I’m not particularly religious but I thank something out there for my two kids everyday.
Enjoy the golf!!
January 15th, 2009 at 2:51 am
I have to wait and see if I get to normal, we’ll soon see!
January 16th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Congrats on getting through the nightmare of IF and coming out the other end of it. I hope one day we will get to normal. I actually can’t imagine what I used to think about all day every day before this madness started.
January 20th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Artblog – I have only recently decided that I will not push things again. We are happy now and I do not want to bring that misery back into our lives ever again. Good luck with the tummy tuck – will you be posting pics???
Xbox and Jane – I hope you get back to normal (it’s a funny thing to aspire to, to be totally ordinary and normal). I know not everyone gets a baby in the end but most people do – I hope I am reading about yours very soon.
deno – it will be soon, not long to go now!
Lorna – very sorry to hear that. I think it is so hard to end your childbearing days on a bad note, no matter how many children you have. I’m not sure the longing ever goes if you have been forced to give up. That is part of the reason I think I will try not to try again. Have you had any tests done?
To all – it’s still hard to read your messages and your blogs, the feelings are still raw despite my “normality”. I hope I haven’t come across as the smug mother now that I have a baby. It can be hard to strike a balance from the other side – don’t want to gush about how great it is to have a baby and don’t want to moan and sound ungrateful. I just decided to be honest for the record as much as anything. And to say that it is possible to lead a normal life after infertility.
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