Fiona McPhillips is a freelance journalist and academic researcher. Having given birth to her son in 2003, she then faced three rounds of Clomid, three IUIs, two IVFs and suffered six miscarriages before giving birth to her daughter last year. She is currently expecting
another baby.
Remembering and forgetting
Our second baby would have been two on Sunday. I didn’t remember until yesterday. I forgot our third baby’s first birthday, and our fourth and fifth babies’ miscarriage day, in March. I would have to work out the due dates and miscarriage dates of babies six, seven and eight – I have never committed them to memory.
It’s not that they don’t matter any more, now that I have a live baby inside me – I still visit the grave of baby number three and cry over what might have been, had any of them survived. It’s just that it is all part of the big pit of infertility and no more or less painful than any other failed cycle or treatment or kick in the guts.
Other people mark their baby’s short life by planting a tree or creating a memory box. Some people say that not a day goes by that they don’t think about their lost baby. I spend most of my time thinking about the baby inside me and looking forward to the life I wasn’t sure I’d ever have.
Contrary to what some people have said to me, it didn’t get easier each time. My hardest miscarriage, my blackest moment was last summer, miscarriage number six. When that baby died, after a promising start, I knew there was very little hope left. I didn’t really mourn the baby that I’d lost, just the one I thought I would never have. It was all part of the same ordeal.
Now I feel like a champion. I don’t feel like I have anything to mourn. I did it. I’m going to have a baby. I will always be an infertile – not a day goes by that I don’t think about infertility, how it has changed me, how so many others are still suffering and how it will be with me forever. But I am one of the lucky ones and right now that has more significance than anything else.
May 13th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
I can’t imagine that it in any way would EVER get easier. I’m too scared to even allow myself to try to.
I’m sorry for your losses, each and every one.
I look forward with a frankly weird amount of excitement for the news to come.
There is no doubting your champion status, that’s for sure.
All the very best.
May 13th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Beautifully put!
How well I can identify with all that remembering and forgetting and the mixed emotions surrounding baby loss.
The reality is Fiona, life moves on and so do we. Our history is what shapes us and makes us into what we are today. I know I’ve gained great strength from adversity faced and strange as it may sound, I feel really lucky too!
May 14th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I believe all my losses have made me into a better person. I am stronger and I love so much better than I ever have. Only now do I feel this way, it took me three years to feel like this. I never really mourned my babies, more the baby I knew I could never have..just like you said. I was never comfortable mourning the loss as I felt so damn lucky to have my beautiful son, I still feel this way. I am so bloody lucky and so, so grateful.
May 15th, 2008 at 12:55 am
They will never be forgotten.
The little girl inside of you promises so much. I am so thankful you have this opportunity, F.
(By the way, is there anyway you can turn a feed on so it will pick up in bloglines?)
May 19th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
The feed is at http://makingbabies.ie/wordpress/feed/
Let me know if you’re having problems accessing it – I’ve noticed that not that many people have subscribed to it. Maybe I just need a big button at the top of the blog advertising it.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
congratulations on your impending birth and I hope all goes well for you. your poignant description of the pain that still exists re your six miscarriages was beautiful. I had two last year and having just had the go-ahead from the doctor to go ahead (discovered I was low in progesterone), I’m excited, happy, sad for the babies I lost and very nervous.
Looking forward to reading about the new baby
May 31st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Lorna – sorry to hear about your miscarriages and very best of luck for trying again.
April 27th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Congradulations on your successful delivery. We have 1 wonderful daughter. But after Leah was born we have had 4 miscarraiges. The 1st 3 I fell pregnant normally and missed at around 9 wks. We decided to use a fertility treatment and was successful on the 2nd treatment. I was certain my dream was fulfilled all I had to do was wait until October but I went for a scan on my 13wk and our baby had died at around 9wks. My question Fiona is how do you stay trying. My dream has been taken away..
April 28th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Marie – I am so sorry to read about your babies. I don’t know how I kept trying. There were times when I just wanted it all to end but I couldn’t keep going without the baby I wanted. So I just kept trying and doing something different each time in the hope that it would make a difference. And that gave me hope. You still have a very good chance of success after 3 miscarriages but I know how hard it is to try again. I wish you all the best and hope you get your dream soon.