Fiona McPhillips is a freelance journalist and academic researcher. Having given birth to her son in 2003, she then faced three rounds of Clomid, three IUIs, two IVFs and suffered six miscarriages before giving birth to her daughter in 2008. She went on to have another son in 2009.
Feel the fear and do it anyway
We did something crazy, reckless and very uninfertile-like today – we brought DS to a scan. I am 22w3d with very regular movement so after careful analysis of the ongoing risk management program, we decided to give it a lash. Outcome: successful. Baby is alive and kicking, all bits and parts (including the girl ones) present and correct. And the big boy is pleased as punch, albeit a little disappointed that she didn’t wave at us or talk to us during the show.
I was pretty surprised to see, on a quick google, how many pregnancy and parenting sites advise bringing older children to scans to involve them with the new baby. Really??? Similarly, questions on message boards about bringing older siblings to first ultrasounds are always greeted with enthusiastic, positive gushing. Now, this is the first scan, the one at which you find out if your baby is alive or dead. Is it really such a fab idea?
I know most women don’t have the infertile, hab-ab fears that I do. But most women also don’t have the fortnightly scans that I do, so a first scan at 12, 14 or even 18 weeks is likely to be the first feedback they get on baby’s health. With one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage, wouldn’t you be just a little concerned? Maybe I’m just too much of a realist spoilsport. Or maybe the uninitiated just look at women like me and reckon we bring the stats up. It’s true, we do. And then we reel them off at every available opportunity to try and make you feel the fear!!!
Just saying though, it can happen. Probably does all the time.
January 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Video
January 28th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Oooh, thanks JB. Didn’t realise in all the excitement that you’d managed to get any video!!!
January 28th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
And what a beautiful little head it is!!!
So glad J enjoyed his trip into the scan – even with reservations..!
Book in the post tomorrow.
Ex
January 28th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
Hi Feebee, agree totally re bringing siblings to first scans… There’s involving siblings in the event, and then there’s the risk of traumatising them forever (not at seeing the scan of a dead baby, but at the reaction of the parents to something they can’t even comprehend). Congrats on (another)great scan!!
January 28th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Wow! Congrats on another great scan! I agree…it is risky for early ultrasounds to involve the siblings. People who haven’t suffered have that glowy optimism…
I have been enjoying reading your blog as I go through my own difficulties…it has been very informational and inspiring for me; thanks for sharing your journey!
January 29th, 2008 at 4:25 am
I love happy ultrasounds, even if it is not my baby!
I would never bring a child to an early scan, because I completely fell apart both times when I got the bad news.
Congrats on such a squirmy baby girl!
January 29th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Congrats on the scan. Her little button nose is so cute!!
I am with you on not bringing siblings to early scans. I have terrible memories of the sheer shock and horror of being told that our baby’s heartbeat was no longer visible. It’s not so much what’s on the scan itself, but I imagine it would be very upsetting for any child to see his parents in such an upset state if the news did happen to be bad.
Congrats again!
Jane
January 29th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Thanks E – will look forward to that.
DS knows that babies die. We buried our third baby so we have a grave to visit and he knows that the babies’ bodies are buried in the ground. He knows his grandad is buried nearby too. But it doesn’t really mean that much too him, he never met that grandad and he never met any of our babies.
One of our cats is quite old – 17 – and I tested the water one day, trying to explain that she would get very old soon. He said, but she won’t die and I said, well, maybe she will one day and the look of utter horror on his face meant that I had to be very vague and change the subject very quickly. So, no, he does not understand death and would be traumatised to see either of us in a normal post-dead baby scan state.
Even with all the reasons to assume yesterday’s scan would be great, I still had to imagine how I would keep a straight face had we got bad news.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Feebee, thanks for sharing the scan movie, it is fantastic. Glad your ds was part of it. I did experience a scan that went wrong with my son in the room, he was too young to understand (3 yrs at the time) in ways it made it easier on me as I focused on me having him, so I reached for him before I allowed myself to cry. But after that I never brought him in again.
Denise
January 30th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Hey, congrats on scan and pregnancy! Sounds like it’s all working out. Also congrats about best blog nomination. Hope to meet you and John there this year?
January 31st, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Hi Feebee,
What a great idea to have this site. The very best of luck.
Here’s a hopeful story which might strike a chord.
http://snifflecry.wordpress.com/2007/10/25/broken-leaf/