40+6 today and nothing stirring. Obs did a sweep on Tues, cervix was already 2-3cm open and ready to go. Had a bit of a show later that night but was probably just due to the sweep. But still no pains at all. Am booked in to have waters broken on Monday morning and am sort of resigned to that now – seems my body is bad at getting babies in and out. So for those of you that are tired checking in on me, I will definitely have baby by Tues!
We had a bit of excitement yesterday, my due date. My acupuncturist reckoned I would have a baby by the end of the night so when I started having pains around 8pm, we got very excited and emotional. I was also scared – not of labour and birth, that was actually the exciting part. I thought about it and realised I was scared of never being pregnant again. Of having to watch everyone else go through pregnancy as many times as they wished. But most of all, of never getting to experience this amazing feeling ever again.
I have talked myself round to how great it will be to have two children. It’s not what we planned but it is more than we ever imagined just a year ago. Two means we can give each one more attention, more financial support, we can give each other more time and devotion and our careers will take less of a hit. It also means that I will never again have to put my family through infertility.
I don’t want to spend the first few years of my baby’s life fighting another losing battle. I’m not sure I even want to sideline her to pregnancy. And yet, the decision never to try again is so immense, I can’t contemplate it. I don’t even know what it’s like to have a menstrual cycle that doesn’t dictate day-to-day life. But it may well be out of our hands, we will just have to wait and see.
Many rivers to cross first.
I’m still here!!! Baby’s head is engaged, cervix is soft and favourable, bags are packed, work is finished, house is clean and we’re just about ready to go. I had some pains last night but nothing today. My acupuncturist reckons I’ll have a baby by the end of the week. I am not so convinced – DS had to be sucked out of me after a long induction at 42 weeks. I don’t mind though – I am feeling fine and would be happy enough to spend a week or so reading books and going to the cinema or having a laugh with DS. This is one waiting game I can handle.
Our second baby would have been two on Sunday. I didn’t remember until yesterday. I forgot our third baby’s first birthday, and our fourth and fifth babies’ miscarriage day, in March. I would have to work out the due dates and miscarriage dates of babies six, seven and eight – I have never committed them to memory.
It’s not that they don’t matter any more, now that I have a live baby inside me – I still visit the grave of baby number three and cry over what might have been, had any of them survived. It’s just that it is all part of the big pit of infertility and no more or less painful than any other failed cycle or treatment or kick in the guts.
Other people mark their baby’s short life by planting a tree or creating a memory box. Some people say that not a day goes by that they don’t think about their lost baby. I spend most of my time thinking about the baby inside me and looking forward to the life I wasn’t sure I’d ever have.
Contrary to what some people have said to me, it didn’t get easier each time. My hardest miscarriage, my blackest moment was last summer, miscarriage number six. When that baby died, after a promising start, I knew there was very little hope left. I didn’t really mourn the baby that I’d lost, just the one I thought I would never have. It was all part of the same ordeal.
Now I feel like a champion. I don’t feel like I have anything to mourn. I did it. I’m going to have a baby. I will always be an infertile – not a day goes by that I don’t think about infertility, how it has changed me, how so many others are still suffering and how it will be with me forever. But I am one of the lucky ones and right now that has more significance than anything else.
I had been planning on writing a post about how I only have a few weeks of pregnancy left in my entire life and how this makes me sad as I love being pregnant and would have given anything for another couple of chances. But that would have been self-indulgent and blinkered to how wonderful my life is now and my unpregnant self would definitely have unsubscribed at that point.
Yesterday Baby A wasn’t moving as much as usual. They say to count ten movements every two hours. I can usually count ten a minute. If she doesn’t move, I just give her a poke and she kicks back. This has provided endless reassurance but I knew that if it slowed down or stopped, I would be straight back in that place. And yesterday, there I was. Baby was moving but in infrequent slow ripples rather than constant vigorous kicks and punches. I lasted until 4pm and called obs. Obs was unavailable but midwife did a trace on baby’s heartbeat and all was well. By the time I got home, baby was making me squirm uncomfortably again. I have been told that I am probably overdoing it and to take it easy from now on. I admitted to the midwife that I had been working hard recently but didn’t confess the immense stress, strain and excitement that I probably put baby through on Tues night during Man Utd’s Champion’s League semi-final victory over Barcelona. The final is one week before my due date…..
So, baby is well, book has been launched and Man Utd are on their way to another historic double. This may well be my last few weeks of pregnancy ever but I have a lot to be thankful for.
Thanks to everyone who came along and to those of you I met for the first time, it was great to put faces to names. I did feel a bit weird signing books, sorta like people were humouring me cos it was my party!
I’ve been doing a lot of media for the book this week. I didn’t post about it as I thought it was a bit “oooh, look at me” but hubby thinks people might be interested. So, there was a piece in yesterday’s Irish Times (subscription needed), I’m in this month’s PC Live! magazine, next month’s Image magazine parenting supplement, Woman’s Way magazine in a couple of weeks and the next RTE Guide. I’ve been doing the rounds of the regional radio stations last week and this and will be on Limerick Live 95FM (prerecorded) at 10am tomorrow morning, East Coast FM on Friday at 10am and Highland Radio on Monday at 12pm.
And last but not least, I will be on the Gerry Ryan show on 2FM tomorrow between 10 and 11am. I will be taking questions from callers so please call in with some easy ones!
Just to remind you all, my book is being launched TONIGHT!!!!! I got a copy of it yesterday and am pretty happy with it. I thought I might be afraid to open it in case all I’d see would be things I wanted to change but it went through a fairly rigorous proofreading process and we seem to have caught most things. So I actually enjoyed reading my own book! All the feedback I’ve had so far has been good and I’ve also had my first review – so far, so good.
So, maybe see you later!?!
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