The Waiting Game

It’s all over for this month, AF arrived last night. It was like the miscarriage all over again – light bleeding, praying it would stop but knowing I had to prepare for the worst. It got heavy soon after, so at least I was put out of my misery.

The first blood was really dark brown and thick, more than I’ve ever seen before. Now it’s more like real blood than AF blood and very heavy – does anyone who has had a m/c recognise this?

It’s possible I got my dates wrong. Originally I thought I’d O’d on 20 September, which would make yesterday 15dpo. It was only when I got another line on OPK on 25 Sept that I changed my dates. Could I have O’d twice? It also means that the faint line I got on Sat could have been at 11dpo, which could mean a chemical pregnancy. I’m really clutching at straws here, and I don’t know whether I’d rather believe in a chemical pregnancy or none at all. Don’t suppose it matters much in the long run, but for now I just can’t believe that it didn’t happen this month. We did everything right, we’re obviously fairly fertile in the first place (took 3 months last time, only once the time before), and I thought that EVERYONE who tried straight after m/c hit the target first time.

So now I need to start finally dealing with the miscarriage. I need to think about the baby I lost, without putting all my energy into trying to replace it. I have to stop putting my life on hold until I get pregnant, or I might find that too much of it has passed me by. And I have to cry when I feel like it, however inconvenient it is for others.

DH is also going through hell. His mother is very ill (she had 3 strokes and almost died in the week leading up to our wedding in May), but far worse than that, the family is fighting over who will pay for her care (his dad died a few years ago), with poor DH stuck in the middle. Yesterday it emerged that the only way to do it is for us to remortgage our house. DH has just left his job to go to college for a year, and I only work part-time, so we’re going to have to make some tough decisions. This will help take our minds off TTC though, so there’s a small positive.

Thank you to everyone who followed my story, and for all your messages of support – I’ll take them with me into next month’s ordeal. DH has promised me that it will happen next month, so it looks like we’ll be having a July baby. Nobody has contacted me about taking over here and doing another 2ww diary (any takers???), so I might hang around for a while and give it another go in a few weeks time. I wish the very best of luck to those waiting to test and huge congratulations to those who have just got their BFP.

Talk soon

Feebee xxx

PS I ordered 50 (fifty!) HPTs from saveontests.com. I’m going to get a BFP this month if I have to test 5 times a day for it!

As promised (see yesterday’s comments), I didn’t test this morning. You see, I have willpower, I just need an incentive!

The cramping has been mild and intermittent, in fact, if I wasn’t watching my body so closely I doubt I’d even notice it. Did have to get up to pee during the night, and I’ve had a slight pain behind my left boob this morning, but no other symptoms to report.

Just before I left this morning I had some slightly darker than usual CM on my pants. Not brown, but a pale mustardy yellow colour. Was expecting to see more of it when I wiped, but that CM was clear. My initial reaction when I saw my pants was a calm feeling of “Oh well, I suppose that’s it”, a mixture of disappointment and relief. The relief part came from the fact that I thought I had been put out of my misery, and although I didn’t get a result, at least I was somewhat back in control. This was immediately followed by a feeling of terror, but it did make me realise for a second that if AF does arrive, it won’t be the end of the world; no-one will have died and nothing will have been taken away from me, it will just mean I will have my baby in July and not June.

When I got to work I went to the loo again, and when I wiped this time there was clear CM with blobs of brown in it. AF or implantation bleed? You decide.

I’m in turmoil. Started having fairly heavy AF pains last night. They have subsided this morning but are still with me. This could be implantation or it could be the imminent arrival of the dreaded AF. So, I might be pregnant or I might not be. The pain is not the same as the lower abdomen ache I had at this stage last month; it is the all over torso ache, accompanied by a mild sick feeling, I get when AF arrives. The one positive is that there has been no bleeding, only clear CM when I wipe. I did get one spot of red blood with my cramps last month, no sign of that today. I am terrified of AF, and have been running off to the loo to wipe every hour. In fact, I’m so nervous I feel as if I have to give a perfomance or talk for which I am completely unprepared.

I wish I had a symptom to cling to. I still have that slight ache behind my boobs, but no pain when I touch them. I did have to get up to pee twice during the night, but I put that down to my AF terror keeping me awake. I’m not hungry, not nauseous, not tired. Only a tiny bit of creamy CM on my pants. You may have gathered from my early posts that I was almost certain I was pregnant. Now I’d give myself a 50-50 chance at best.

I tested with an OPK yesterday evening. When there was no 2nd line whatsoever after about 5 mins, guess what I did next? BFN, not even evap line. Same routine again this morning, same result. I had a vague panic that Saturday’s test may have been a very, very slight positive and that I’d had a chemical pregnancy, but it is unlikely that I implanted on or before 6dpo and there was enough HCG in my system to register at that stage.

I think the secret to maximising your sanity during the 2ww is to hold off testing for as long as possible. The first HPT opens the floodgates and it’s almost impossible to go a day without testing after that. My advice is to HPT addicts is to try and get to 8 or 9dpo before the madness begins. Only 3 HPTs left.

I’m feeling slightly saner today. Tested again yesterday (why, why?), BFN, not even a shadow of a line. So Saturday’s must have been an evaporation line 🙁 I looked at the remaining HPTs this morning (only 5 left!) and thought “don’t be ridiculous”, so some element of normality is resumed.

No symptoms to report really. No night pee, no cramps, boobs still have that slight ache behind them but not tender. I had some creamy CM yesterday morning, but hardly any since. I do feel really tired today though, not in a sleepy way, just feel lacklustre and heavy.

I did find one piece of interesting information on my Google rampage last night – apparently OPKs can show + for pregnancy, as HCG and LH are almost identical. Obviously it’s not recommended that one rely on this, but as I have about 30 OPKs and only 5 HPTs, I may conduct an “experiment”.

I have a confession. I tested yesterday morning. BFN obviously, but there was a very, very, very faint line after 15 or 20 mins. I wish I knew if my saveontests.com/testsforless.com dipstick HPTs have an evaporation line – anybody???

Will try and hold out for another few days before testing again, as I’m not fond of the “is it, isn’t it?” routine.

CM is the same as yesterday. I thought boobs were slightly sore when I was lying down, but seem fine now I’m vertical. I did get a sort of “pins and needles” pain in my lower abdomen this morning – my first cramps, yay!

I mentioned yesterday that I was feeling quite emotional. The BFN that I omitted to mention probably had something to do with it, but was probably just the ups and downs of TTC getting the better of me. This leads me to my 2nd and far more disturbing confession; I cried this morning during, ahem, The X Factor. I wish I could say it was only once….

I didn’t keep a record of my 2ww symptoms during my last pregnancy, but I did post on Magic Mum, so I’ve fished out my posts to see how the symptoms compare to this time.

At 5dpo I woke up with a slight hungry/sick feeling, a bit like the morning sickness I got with DS. I’ve had this feeling ever since, but is definitely not more pronounced now than it was a week ago, or even a week before that. So I’m not making anything of it.

At 6dpo I was woken up in the early hours with terrible stomach cramps, which had me running to the loo for a loose bowel movement. I was sweating and felt like I could pass out, but after 5 mins I felt completely fine and went back to sleep. I’ve no idea what caused it, but the same thing happened with DS at around the same stage of my cycle so I counted it as significant. It hasn’t happened this time – I don’t know whether that’s good or bad.

I didn’t report any more symptoms until 9dpo, when I had heavy AF pains all over my lower abdomen. I also had pains behind my boobs, but they weren’t sore to the touch.

I had the same pains again at 10dpo, and I also had one single spot of red blood on my pants. I also reported feeling constantly hungry and exhausted. At this stage I was getting very faint lines on HPTs, and by 11dpo I finally got the line that convinced me I was pregnant.

There’s not much to report today. I still have creamy CM, but it’s thicker and stickier than before. No boob pain, no cramps, but I am feeling quite emotional. I met some friends whom I hadn’t seen since the miscarriage, and when I told them about it I felt really shaky. Obviously it’s still very raw and I’m allowed be upset, but until now I haven’t had a problem talking about it and I’ve done all my grieving in private. Felt pretty crap for the rest of the day then. I’ve been on such an emotional rollercoaster for the past few months, and I’ve managed to remain positive and forward-looking throughout – it’s been my way of dealing with everything. However, I think the next week might be the hardest of all, let’s just hope I get good news at the end of it.

Delighted to report that I had to get up to pee at 4am. This could have been the fault of our wriggly DS, who joined us in the early hours and kept waking me up. Had crampy feeling with needing to pee at 4am and again at 7.30am.

Breasts felt achy when DS was climbing on me this morning, but still not sore to the touch.

Also pleased to find “creamy lotion” CM this morning. About 3 x 1 cm of it on my knickers and more when I wiped. Slight sort of sweet smell to it. There hasn’t been much of it since, but it’s always welcome.

I have to admit that I know HCG isn’t produced until implantation, so I’m aware that my body is not undergoing any changes at the moment, even if I am pregnant. I also realise (and this was pointed out in a comment yesterday) that my early boob ache could have been a leftover O symptom. However, some women swear they felt different right from O, so who am I to ignore hearsay???

I was asked yesterday when I plan to test. Well, my first scan was supposed to be on Thursday 6 October, so I think I’d like to know by then. It will be CD26 and 11dpo. Last month I saw my first very, very faint line on CD22, 7dpo. Four days and several HPTs later I finally got a line strong enough (but still fairly faint) to convince myself I was pregnant. Don’t want to put myself through that again. However, I am a HPT addict and could crack at any time!

This morning started off pretty much as yesterday did – not tired, not hungry, didn’t need to pee during night (although had needing-to-pee pain when woke up), CM disappearing and no boob pain. Was exhausted again last night though.

Felt slightly weak on the way to work, in a low-blood-sugarish sort of way, a feeling I usually get about a week before AF is due. It’s also the only symptom of AF that I get – have never noticed sore boobs, bloating, cramping or any symptoms others report. It didn’t last long, so I’m hoping it isn’t related to the dreaded Aunt Flo.

I ate my lunch at 11am! Couldn’t wait – it was sitting here beside me, taunting me and I just felt SO HUNGRY. Still am, wondering whether I should have a “lunch” lunch now. This isn’t like me, I don’t even snack most of the time. I haven’t had any of the achy hunger pains I got when pregnant though, just couldn’t resist temptation.

Thought I felt the ache behind my boobs again this morning, but it’s gone now.

Have started to consider how I’ll feel if I’m not pregnant. I’ve been so focussed on getting pregnant this month as a way of dealing with my miscarriage, that I haven’t allowed myself to think that it might not actually happen. What will I do? Will be devastated, but suppose I’ll just keep on keeping on. At least I’ll get another month’s use out of this blog!

Well folks, it’s all gone Pete Tong. I have absolutely no symptoms today. Not tired, not hungry, no sore boobs, didn’t have to go to the loo during the night, and most disturbingly, CM seems to have dried up almost completely.

Now, I know it’s too early to be obsessing, but on my last pregnancy I had creamy CM (see 1 DPO!) throughout the 2ww. In fact, I thought I had discovered the secret of the 2ww. All I can hope now is that I was wrong, and that each 2ww is different. Not what we want to discover in the whole big scheme of things, but in my micro-2ww it would make me happy.

A small bit of good news is that I was fairly exhausted yesterday evening, but still managed to stay up until about 11.30pm, so maybe not as exhausted as I’d have liked!

I did also get a little misty-eyed thinking about nice (personal) things on my walk into work this morning. Can’t remember if this is a good thing or not, but it did make me smile.

I’m fairly relaxed today, haven’t been googling “2dpo symptoms”, haven’t been having any crazy 2ww fantasies.

I wasn’t particularly tired yesterday, but exhaustion hit me hard around 10pm and I could barely speak. Could be the result of work + toddler. Have been pretty alert and focussed at work today though.

Had the ache behind my boobs again this morning, but can’t seem to get it now no matter what angle I sit at or how hard I push against them.

Much less creamy CM today, but still a little. Same as colour and texture as yesterday but only about half as much.

Woke up starving this morning, even felt a slight bit nauseous before I ate. This was the sign that convinced me last time, so am putting a lot of weight on this “symptom” this time. Am starving again now, but have worked through lunch so not significant.

I said yesterday that I would tell warts and all, so I am probably obliged to mention that I had a bit of a dodgy tummy around lunchtime, followed by a trip to the toilet for a loose bowel movement! All was well soon after.