The Waiting Game

Eh, sorry ’bout the “woe is me” outburst the other day. Now, where were we?

I managed to sneak a brief rendezvous with DH before I left on Monday, and got home late last night, so no loss of productivity after all!

After a day of EWCM it’s back to the watery CM today. BUT finally got + on OPK today so only a couple of days to go to the 2ww. So, fasten your seatbelts, here we go again………….

Off to West Cork tonight, so will have a couple of days off TTC both physically and mentally. No sign of O yet, let’s hope it stays away for another couple of days. Am still having very watery CM, definitely not EWCM – anyone had this before?

I am tired of TTC. I’m tired of putting a brave face on things, and playing the waiting game day after day, month after month. I miss living in the moment, going out with friends and not worrying how much I drink, or what cycle day it is. I’m tired of feeling “past it” when my life has barely begun. I wanna have fun!!!

And I want a baby. And so do most of the people reading this. Thank god for the Internet – we don’t have to do it alone.

TTC has finally taken over my life. My friend’s mother died yesterday, and attending the removal and funeral will involve one and maybe two nights away from home, and more importantly, DH. I have no problem rearranging work and home life, but this will take place at O time, so I’m torn between doing the right thing and sneaking off early to ensure I am not away from DH for two nights. I’ll probably stay as long as I can on the 2nd day (day of funeral), then drive home through the night, having warned DH to be ready to welcome me with open arms in the early hours.

We’re in full-on TTC mode at the moment, and we’re making an extra effort so it doesn’t become an ordeal. So far, so good. Also doing plenty of knicker-watching – have had lots of watery CM for the last couple of days, not sure what this means, if anything. Have had zero on OPK so far, but not expecting that until at least tomorrow.

Seems like my hormones haven’t had time to settle down yet. Spent yesterday morning sobbing over such important issues as how much I love DH and DS, and how much I miss John Peel. Soon after, I spent a 20 mile car journey singing (unaccompanied) at the top of my voice and freaking out/pissing off DH. A couple of days after my miscarriage, despite an overwhelming feeling of loss and sadness, I kept getting rushes of “high” and fits of giggles. I was fully aware that these feelings resulted from chemical processes, and just waited for them to pass. Same yesterday. Had a fun solo singsong though!

Woohoo, the bleeding has finally stopped and I have regular CM (a bit creamy!) so we’re back in business. I got zero on an OPK today, but we might as well get some practice in anyway.

I’m excited that it’s all about to start again, but incredibly daunted at the thought that we might have to go through all the ups and downs of TTC for any longer than the next few weeks. I don’t know how I’ll get through another AF, but I know I will if I have to. And one day we’ll have another beautiful, incredible child and we’ll all live happily ever after. And this time next year we’ll be millionaires!

A beautiful sunny day, just what the doctor ordered! Still have brown bleeding, but lighter now. Still feeling a bit weepy, but more positive today. So, onwards and upwards.

I don’t want to spend the next few days moaning about my cycle or my miscarriage. I don’t want to, but it’s the nature of the beast, so bear with me.

I’m still having brown bleeding, so have no idea what stage of my cycle I’m really at. However, I’m going to proceed as usual for CD8, which means the BD marathon starts here. In August (the month I got pregnant) I made poor DH BD every night but one from CD8 to CD20 (he had CD9 off). We had started off doing the sperm meets egg plan, but I panicked and was afraid to take a night off! The reason we kept going until CD20 (O’d on CD16) was because I met a friend who was newly pregnant after TTC for 6 months. I asked her if she’d done anything different the month she conceived and she said that someone had recommended that they BD for an extra couple of nights after getting +OPK, just to be on the safe side. So they BD’d for 4 nights after +OPK, and so did we. Worked for both of us, so will give it another go this month.

As for the m/c, I’ve been feeling very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sad for the last couple of days, but what can you do? It’s all part of the deal.

What a s**t day – rain is pissing down and I’ve started heavy brown bleeding. Am getting fed up of AF (is it, isn’t it?) now and just want to get on with my cycle. I also have a black eye. DS whacked me in the face with a remote control when I was in bed at the weekend. It didn’t look too bad at first, but as it heals it’s starting to look well dodgy. DH is mortified. Only 3 people have had the guts to ask me about it. I’ve lost count of the amount of people who’ve stared at it without mentioning it. If I was on crutches or had my arm in a sling, people would be falling over themselves to give me a bit of sympathy.

All sympathy welcome!!!

The mystery continues… I’ve had more pregnancy symptoms in the last 2 days than in the previous 2 weeks! Let me say from the outset that I do not think I’m pregnant, but the momentum created by the narrative of my situation keeps me skipping along.

We took ourselves off for the weekend to a farm by the sea, close to Rosslare. DS LOVES animals, so spent the weekend shrieking with excitement, as much at cats and birds as at goats and cows. We survived a restaurant (DS is 21 months, but fairly easy-going), and BD’d just for fun!!!

I mentioned a +OPK on Sat. It wasn’t quite + but a fairly strong line. Had another one on Sat night, and, mindful of the fact that OPKs can test + for HCG, I tried again on Sun morning – a lighter line. Meanwhile, I had had fairly painful breasts all Sat night, and this continued yesterday. Interesting.

Brown spotting started yesterday morning, and has continued today. I tried another OPK yesterday evening and got a very faint line, so I don’t think it indicates anything other than the fact that my system is out of whack. My breasts are still sore but not as much as they were yesterday. The only other symptom (of what?) I’ve had today is this – I was giving DS his breakfast when a huge wave of nausea came over me, I thought it would pass but it didn’t and I had to leg it upstairs and ended up retching into the toilet.

Sounds good you might think, but there’s more. I found another HPT. My GP gave it to me when she confirmed my pregnancy last month. I’d put it away and forgotten about it – felt like an alcoholic who’d just discovered a bottle of whiskey at the back of the wardrobe! BFN. As BFN as you can get. It did show a very faint line when I checked it about an hour later, but as I’m quite expert at analysing HPTs these days, I can confirm that it was an evaporation line.

So I’m (almost certainly) not pregant, and I may or may not have had AF. Because of this, I’m slightly concerned that I may not ovulate in the next few weeks, or if I do, I may miss it – I used way too many OPKs over the weekend! Will just have to rely on my old mate, CM, to keep me informed. Will let you know.

What’s going on? Looks like I had a 1-day AF, an OPK reckons I’m having a LH surge, and my final HPT tells me to stop being ridiculous and get on with my life. Anyone have an explanation?

Life goes on. I woke up this morning and I still had a wonderful husband and a fantastic son. We all took the day off and had fun, far away from the daily humdrum. I remembered that it wasn’t life-threateningly crucial that I got pregnant this month, and that it’s not even absolutely necessary that it happens next month. We would love a few more additions to our special little family, and chances are it will happen sometime soon.

I spent a while today thinking about work (in a good way – ideas, plans, hopes for new projects). It struck me that if I had got pregnant straight after the miscarriage, I would have been playing an even more intense waiting game – first to get to 6 weeks, then to get to 12. All other life would have been put on hold. So I’ve been set free to do and think about other things for a few weeks.

I had a couple of glasses of wine last night, a cup of coffee this morning. I’ve had peanuts, camembert, another glass of wine tonight and I may even treat myself to a few pints and, what the hell, a whipped ice-cream over the weekend.

So life is ok again, but there is the small matter of AF, I wonder if anyone can advise me – she arrived on Wed night, started with thick brown blood and became red and heavy fairly quickly. Was still red and heavy yesterday morning, but by the evening had eased off considerably and by this morning was almost gone completely. I’ve had no blood whatsoever since lunchtime. Did anyone have AF like this post-miscarriage? I’ve read about really heavy AFs after m/c but not about really light or short ones. It did cross my mind that it could have been a heavy implantation bleed, but a BFN and absolutely no symptoms convinced me otherwise.