It’s all over for this month, AF arrived last night. It was like the miscarriage all over again – light bleeding, praying it would stop but knowing I had to prepare for the worst. It got heavy soon after, so at least I was put out of my misery.
The first blood was really dark brown and thick, more than I’ve ever seen before. Now it’s more like real blood than AF blood and very heavy – does anyone who has had a m/c recognise this?
It’s possible I got my dates wrong. Originally I thought I’d O’d on 20 September, which would make yesterday 15dpo. It was only when I got another line on OPK on 25 Sept that I changed my dates. Could I have O’d twice? It also means that the faint line I got on Sat could have been at 11dpo, which could mean a chemical pregnancy. I’m really clutching at straws here, and I don’t know whether I’d rather believe in a chemical pregnancy or none at all. Don’t suppose it matters much in the long run, but for now I just can’t believe that it didn’t happen this month. We did everything right, we’re obviously fairly fertile in the first place (took 3 months last time, only once the time before), and I thought that EVERYONE who tried straight after m/c hit the target first time.
So now I need to start finally dealing with the miscarriage. I need to think about the baby I lost, without putting all my energy into trying to replace it. I have to stop putting my life on hold until I get pregnant, or I might find that too much of it has passed me by. And I have to cry when I feel like it, however inconvenient it is for others.
DH is also going through hell. His mother is very ill (she had 3 strokes and almost died in the week leading up to our wedding in May), but far worse than that, the family is fighting over who will pay for her care (his dad died a few years ago), with poor DH stuck in the middle. Yesterday it emerged that the only way to do it is for us to remortgage our house. DH has just left his job to go to college for a year, and I only work part-time, so we’re going to have to make some tough decisions. This will help take our minds off TTC though, so there’s a small positive.
Thank you to everyone who followed my story, and for all your messages of support – I’ll take them with me into next month’s ordeal. DH has promised me that it will happen next month, so it looks like we’ll be having a July baby. Nobody has contacted me about taking over here and doing another 2ww diary (any takers???), so I might hang around for a while and give it another go in a few weeks time. I wish the very best of luck to those waiting to test and huge congratulations to those who have just got their BFP.
PS I ordered 50 (fifty!) HPTs from saveontests.com. I’m going to get a BFP this month if I have to test 5 times a day for it!