I haven’t kept much of a record of this pregnancy as I haven’t wanted to boast, complain, seem complacent or forget where I came from. Physically, it has been plain sailing, at least since about week 16 when the sickness eased off. Emotionally, well that has been a mixed bag. Most people would talk about “when” I had the baby; I always stuck with “if”. But now I can’t think of any reason to presume my baby won’t make it. I’m well aware of the stats, I know what can happen. But I am also aware of the reasons why bad things happen and, as I am being carefully monitored, I know that I do not currently fall into any of the risk categories.

I would say that somewhere around week 30, I started expecting a baby. Now, at 33 weeks, I am starting to gather baby things together, just in case she comes early – as opposed to, just in case we are fortunate enough to end up with a baby. The fear, the absolute terror, of loss is still in my mind but it has been pushed into a corner by the overwhelming anticipation of joy.

I can’t believe I’m going to have a baby!!!!

12 Replies to “Expecting”

  1. I can’t believe it either. I’m just so thrilled for you. 33 weeks already!! where has the time gone.

  2. I’m so delighted for you! I have been telling my husband about your blog, and I was just saying to him yesterday that you are such an inspiration to me. Every time I think that I’d just give up if we had to go through another loss, I just think of you and how you and your DH just kept on going, through thick and thin. I wish you and your family every happiness.

  3. It’s just fantastic, I can’t believe you are nearly there. What a journey, eh? Jane took the words out of my mouth. You should be so proud of yourself. Baby A was created from your courage and strength. She will be amazing, just wait and see.

  4. Thanks everyone.

    Jane – I just kept going because I couldn’t stop! I kept putting the three of us through more treatments and more miscarriages because I couldn’t accept that this was happening to us. Sometimes I think it’s braver to take stock and take a break or stop trying instead of ploughing head first into one treatment after another. I just couldn’t do that though. I managed to take one month off last year and that was mainly because my hair fell out and it made me realise what I must be doing to my body.

    Just after I wrote this post I realised that the last time I posted that I was going to have a baby (Sep 06), the baby died a few days later. Not that I believe in omens or fate or anything like that.

  5. Fiona

    Beautifully put!

    Your thoughts and emotions throughout this pregnancy are very understandable considering the number of times in the past when you’ve been reassured only to suffer disappointment and heartbreak.

    This post speaks volumes for anyone who’s ever suffered pregnancy loss/infertility. Thank you for your honesty and enjoy every moment of your new-found joy of anticipation. You’ve worked hard for it!

    Congrats on the book btw and I love your new look blog.

    I’m including a link to a post I wrote last year on baby loss as it may help shed some more light on the subject.



  6. Hi there! I spotted your page on google. I’m just going through theprocess of starting a blog and wondered how you found the WordPress software to install.Anyway, great post and ill

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