So far, so sticky.

First thing this morning, my husband sent me this:

J caught me sobbing in front of the computer. I explained to him that sometimes when people are very, very happy, they cry. I showed him the video and told him that Daddy had sent it to me because he loves me very, very much. J threw his arms around me and said “I love you very, very much too”.

How much better can today get?!?!??

I am pregnant. It is my seventh pregnancy. I am still bleeding.

I am going to pretend I am normal and enjoy the moment.

After all, I am pregnant!

Update: managed to enjoy it for about 10 mins before I became paralysed with fear.

People often say that I am brave. I think it’s because no matter how many times I am knocked down, I get up and start again.

Other people think I am foolish, that it is time to stop and get on with my life. They don’t leave comments on my blog, but I know they’re out there.

Regardless of what camp they are in, what many people don’t understand is that I do this because I have no choice. It is neither bravery nor foolishness that drives me. It is the overpowering love for the child I have, the ones I have lost and the ones that I cannot imagine living without.

Some people say things like “I could never have gone through what you have to get my children”. All that means is that they didn’t have to. How do they know they wouldn’t have done it if things had been different? Nobody can say what they would or wouldn’t do in a situation until that situation is forced upon them. When I ask those people what lengths they would go to to save the lives of the children they have, they say “Oh, but that’s different”. Why? Because your children lived longer than mine? Because you never before had to contemplate living without them? Don’t people understand that the pain of infertility IS the pain of losing a child, over and over again?

Infertility was always my greatest fear, a Von Trapp sized family my greatest ambition. If we stop now, we’ll never get to play the Salzburg Music Festival.

I have been trying to be cavalier about this cycle, at least in print. (Of course you know that IRL I have organised even my breathing schedules around it.) Yes, I have taken the pills, eaten the protein, worked out all the important dates. So even though my head is about to pop with expectation, my veneer is intact.

Until now. Three days of light brown spotting post-O can crack the smoothest finish. In all the, oh 30 or 40 cycles I’ve been monitoring, I have never had spotting until 7dpo at the earliest. So WTF is going on? Spotting at or a day after O I could understand, but 2, 3 and 5dpo?

Please, please tell me this is a symptom of pregnancy, because at this stage that is the only thing I want to hear. I have processed all the premature ovarian failure information and I know where we stand (or squat) there. Just don’t give me any more obstacles to factor into our already pathetic diagnosis.

So, anybody?

I am sick, could be the Naltrexone.

Have had spotting and cramps at 2/3/4dpo…???

MIL has had another angina attack, probably because her settlement hearing on Tuesday was canceled by the other side.

It is raining and raining and raining.

I am having fun with my best boy.

So, all in all, not such a bad Friday the 13th, considering.

We’ve had enough of IVF. It’s time for a new plan.

I went to see a new doctor last week. He’s an advocate of natural fertility, which is not particularly something I have time for, but I may as well be doing something while I’m waiting for my body to let me know what’s next. New Doc thinks my recurrent miscarriage problem, coupled with my high FSH, is indicative of an autoimmune disorder. I welcome such a hypothesis, as the bad luck theory just doesn’t cut it for me any more. New Doc has put me on Naltrexone, an opioid receptor antagonist used to treat alcoholics and drug addicts. Low dose Naltrexone has had some success in clinical trials for autoimmune disorders such as multiple sclerosis and Crohn’s disease.

In the meantime, Old Doc will monitor my FSH while we try naturally for a few cycles, followed by a few cycles of Clomid with follicle tracking, and then, if my acupuncturist is successful in lowering my FSH level, we will have one last go at IVF.

So it’s a plan. A clueless, shot in the dark, last ditch attempt at salvaging what’s left of my dwindling fertility. But it’s the only plan we’ve got.

It’s been almost two years since that first miscarriage. Not a minute has gone by that I haven’t been gripped with panic at my sheer desperation to be pregnant again. I have been obsessed and depressed, hidden from view, sick to my stomach with pain and anxiety and stress.

Of course I put on a brave face for my boys, try to limit the effect on them. But is this it for me? Subsistence living, putting one foot in front of the other, one tear on top of another, getting through the day, doing it all over again and again and again?

Is this as good as it gets?

Baby is gone. I’m heartbroken. I really, really loved this baby, could touch it, smell it, feel the letdown as I fed it.

I tried everything to hold on to my baby – Heparin, Prednisolone, progesterone, aspirin, high dose folic acid, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, visualisation, PMA, rest, relaxation, hoping, praying, begging, pleading. I visited our babies’ grave and asked for guidance but couldn’t help feeling that they might be wondering why this baby should get to live when they didn’t.

All I can do now is pray for an early bleed so we can try again. Are you looking at me with pity? What chance does the infertile woman who’s had five consecutive miscarriages have?? Why can’t she just be grateful for what she’s got??? What doesn’t she just adopt????

When we started IVF, my doctor said to me “Brave women are generally rewarded”. So we’ll keep going.

It looks like I am pregnant again. I am very reluctant to say it after what happened the last two times but I am forever optimistic and don’t want the event to go unmarked regardless of the outcome.

I got another pink line today. It’s not strong enough for a photo but it is there and it is pink.

I am still wondering if it is just a dodgy batch of tests, or if some Internet cheapies are capable of picking up unpregnant levels of HCG. Remember, I went 13 cycles in 2005/06 without a shadow of a line and after that I only managed to conceive by IUI/IVF. And now, with an FSH level of 17, I have had natural pregnancies two cycles in a row. The odds of someone with my FSH level conceiving at all are 2%. So this is hard to believe. The dodgy test theory seems more plausible.

But then we did spend two years dealing with male factor. DH has been fixed since Christmas. Maybe his little fellas are finally getting their act together. And high FSH does not necessarily mean poor quality eggs, not at my youthful age anyway.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please god. And anyone else who has any sway. Please.