Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3…

It has been a while. I didn’t plan to finish on the last post but every time I came back, it seemed like such a perfect pause, I didn’t want to disturb it. I am also aware that most people who find me are looking for answers to their own fertility problems and I wasn’t sure how to be the woman with three kids talking about how hard it is not to be able to have children.

I have been talking about it though. In January, I was on Ireland AM on TV3 talking about older women and IVF.

In April, I participated in an Irish Times articles on miscarriage.

In June, I was interviewed for an Irish Independent article on AMH testing.

I have also done a couple of radio interviews and maybe a few other things I have forgotten about.

So I am still here and still thinking about infertility, if not in the middle of it myself.

In fact, I have a work in progress, something big and exciting, that I will tell you about very soon.

In the meantime, hello and welcome back!!!

I’m an infertile, get me out of here…..

God, this is not easy. Or maybe I’m just no good at it. Never was.

A heartbeat at 6 weeks does not mean that panic won’t set in sometime later. Morning sickness has been adequately awful, but what happens when it is not quite so bad one day? The fear. Still feeling ok the next day? Meltdown.

It was only a 2 day respite but enough for me to question everything I’ve learned in my 9 pregnancies. So I was almost shaking at today’s 9 week scan. All fine. Baby is measuring a couple of days behind but all completely normal according to obs. Heart is beating, growth is good since last scan. And yet I’m still thinking about the 2 days and what if it loses another 2 days by the next scan.

Maybe it’s just the tiredness and the sickness and the feeling that I couldn’t possibly be this lucky again. And the thought that I could be this lucky, it is so exciting and wonderful and I suppose it might really happen!

High FSH

I get a lot of traffic to this site from people searching for information on high FSH. Here is my take on it.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone is secreted by the pituitary gland and stimulates the ovaries to mature follicles in preparation for ovulation. An elevated level (>10mIU/ml) on day 3 of the menstrual cycle indicates that the brain is having to work harder to stimulate the ovaries; this is thought to be related to a diminished ovarian reserve. It also means that the patient is unlikely to respond well to ovarian stimulation medication used in IUI and IVF. Doctors tend to agree that you are only as good as your worst FSH result and that a lower result one month does not cancel out a poor result another month. However, there is no consensus on whether or not a low quantity of eggs also indicates a low quality of eggs. Many reports suggest that a younger woman with high FSH has a much better chance of success than an older one with the same FSH level because her eggs are younger and therefore likely to be of better quality.

Conventional thinking suggests that patients with high FSH have a very reduced chance of pregnancy, either with or without assistance. However, we do not know the FSH levels of those with no fertility problems so it is not possible to say that those who conceive easily always have low FSH levels. It is possible that an elevated FSH level in itself does not predict pregnancy outcome but that coupled with poor egg quality and/or other fertility problems, it may seriously reduce the chance of pregnancy.

Traditional Chinese Medicine believes that FSH and related egg quality can vary extensively from month to month and that this can be improved with the help of acupuncture and Chinese herbs. Practitioners believe that stress can play a big part in raising FSH levels and that this does not necessarily indicate lower egg quantity or quality.

A real life friend recently started trying for a baby. She conceived after a few months but sadly miscarried. She had had day 3 and 7dpo bloodwork done early on, mainly to make sure she was ovulating. Her GP had told her that all the results were normal and she hadn’t questioned it any further. After her miscarriage she asked me advice on a few things and I asked about her FSH level, just to rule that out as a problem. She looked up the number and called me back straight away. It was 13.4, she was 33 years old. I recommended, as casually as I could, that she make an appointment with a fertility clinic, just in case. She did but never got to keep it as she conceived shortly afterwards and everything has gone well since. So, with an FSH level of 13.4, she conceived fairly easily twice. If I hadn’t mentioned it, she would never have known about the high level.

My first FSH test, at age 35, showed my level to be 4.6. I was happy with that and didn’t think to research it any further. We carried on with tests and treatment (we were dealing with male factor infertility) for a year and a half before falling at the first hurdle of IVF. When I went for my first follicle scan after a week of ovarian stimulation, there were only three follices. Not the 15 or so I’d been expecting. I couldn’t believe it. My FSH levels were normal so how could this have happened? The nurse checked my blood test results. Yes, my FSH level was low but my E2 (oestradiol, a form of oestrogen) was over 400 pmol/l. Normal levels are below 275. A very high E2 level can suppress a high FSH level and give a low reading. My FSH should have been retested, the nurse guessed it would have been at least 10. A further week on ovarian stimulation medication yielded no further follicles but we went ahead with egg collection. We got two eggs, miraculously both fertilised and were transferred, pregnancy resulted, miscarriage followed.

The following month, my FSH level was 17. A subsequent IVF cycle was abandoned after only one measly follicle was produced after two weeks of stimulation on the highest dose of meds possible. We triggered, tried on our own anyway. Two weeks later, two lines. Another miscarriage. Another natural cycle, another pregnancy, another miscarriage. What was going on? I wasn’t supposed to be conceiving at all with my FSH level of 17. (As for the MFI, my husband had had a varicocele ligation in the meantime and his semen analyses results were back to normal). It was retested, still 17. At this stage we reckoned IVF was a waste of time and money and invested our efforts in trying to stop the miscarriages rather than trying to conceive in the first place. I was already on Cyclogest, aspirin, Heparin, HCG shots and Prednisolone each cycle and had started Low Dose Naltrexone. I was also doing acupuncture 2 or 3 times a week, depending on the stage of my cycle.

I took a month off and took a huge dose of antibiotics, designed to combat any low grade infection in my uterus that may be hampering my pregnancies. Next cycle I took 50mg of Clomid days 3-7 and all the above meds from ovulation. It worked. At the age of 37 and with an FSH level of 17, I supposedly had a statistical probability of about 2% of conceiving and even less of carrying to term.

There was something preventing me carrying to term but I don’t think it was high FSH. I had six miscarriages in a row – what are the odds that I recruited six bad eggs in a row, that were eager and willing to be fertilised but unhappy to stay the distance?

This time around I was too chicken to test. I was just too terrified that the result would be in the twenties and that would be the end of it. We were going to try anyway so I didn’t see the point in knowing, at least not at the start. And here I am, seven weeks pregnant with a healthy heartbeat, conceived with the help of nothing but acupuncture and a HCG trigger shot on my third postpartum ovulation. I am 39.

I completely understand if my few remaining readers are reaching for the Unsubscribe button. I have done that. I’m not even sure if this post is the start or the end of something.

Moving on up

Every night for the past five and a bit years, I have checked on James before going to bed, to make sure he is still breathing.  Every night I feel the usual relief, give him a kiss and off I go.  Then I check on Anna (still in our room).  Once again I feel relief when I see her chest rising and falling but then something else happens.  I feel a little thrill of excitement and then I get giddy.  Sometimes I giggle, sometimes I jump up and down.  Every night I get this rush of…..I’m not sure what – happiness?  joy?  innocence?  She is still here, yes, there is definitely a beautiful, breathing, live baby in my room.  We did it!!!  Seven months on and I still get a buzz every time I think of that.

She is chatting (mama (this was her first word, at five months), dada, baba, anna, nana (technically the same word as anna)), sitting, not rolling or crawling, obsessed with remote controls, smiling and laughing almost all the time (the only time she complains is when there is a remote control out of reach) and generally behaving very well indeed.  She doesn’t sleep through the night (wakes 2 or 3 times for a breastfeed) but she does eat everything she can get her hands on (brussel sprouts, yum yum!).  I am used to the painful process of mealtime with a fussy eater so am overjoyed to have a food-compliant baby.

I’m not going to lie (I was going to but decided not to!), I do think constantly about trying again.  I think about how far I could go, how much I could put my family through and to what extent it would be worth it.  I also think about the fact that I probably won’t have another child and I think I could come to accept that.  Not when I hear pregnancy announcements obviously – I still get in a strop about those and probably always will!  But they belong to other people’s hopes and dreams.  I have mine already.

As for me, I am a normal person now.  Really.  I look forward to social events, meeting friends, making plans, hanging out, going shopping, eating out, staying in.  I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life.  I’m going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.

Seoige

I was on the Seoige show on RTE1 last Wednesday (Wed 19 Nov – about 28 mins in).

Last Monday the Irish Independent reported that a Galway fertility clinic was refusing to treat unmarried couples. David Quinn of the Iona Institute was on to argue the case that married couples make better parents than unmarried ones and therefore should be the only recipients of fertility treatment and I was there to speak for normal people.

Infertility is a medical condition. It is not up to doctors to choose which patients they treat on the basis of their own religious beliefs or morals. If you think children’s lives are at risk from their parents’ marital status then outlaw it completely. Don’t pick on those with physical disabilities and make examples of them. Just cos you can.

Incidentally, these are the same doctors that won’t prescribe the morning after pill for women who don’t want a child, yet refuse treatment to those that are desperate for one. Guys, a little consistency is needed here if you want to be taken seriously.

HappyBumps.com

Tired of waiting up to two weeks for your HPTs and OPKs to arrive from across the Atlantic?  Want to pee on a stick NOW?  HappyBumps.com is Ireland’s newest and cheapest site for HPTs and OPKs. It’s run by a couple of long-term TTCers so they won’t snigger every month when they receive your order for 50 HPTs.  Was delighted to see that they sell the peestick addict’s favourite, the dipstick.  Not that I am currently peeing on sticks.  No, really, I mean, just cos I do a few tests now and again, it doesn’t mean anything, I could stop any time I wanted…..

I will probably be peeing on sticks long after all the cool kids have stopped.  Sigh.

How to speak

I got embroiled in a heated online discussion recently.  The gist of it was whether or not people should turn off pregnancy tickers when posting on an infertility message board – I’m sure you’ve seen it all before.  One of the comments stated that I was a hypocrite trying to speak for infertiles when I have two children.  I get that.  I really do.  No matter what I have been through, I have made it.  And making it is what it is all about, it is what alienates one group from the other.

Since I have had Anna, I have realised even more how awful my life would have been never to have had her.  And then some days I find it hard to remember exactly how painful it was before, how much of a struggle it was to get through the days.

So, should an infertile survivor have any role to play in the infertility community?  In the general public as an infertility commenter?  I’m not looking for supportive comments saying “After what you’ve been through…” etc, I am really just interested in people’s views from both sides of the divide as to how they perceive those who have had children.

I should add that I have spoken to this commenter and completely understand where she is coming from – not everyone will know my history (why should they?) and will see someone with two children talking about how awful it is not to be able to have children.

Why wait for babies when you can fast-track with IVF?

According to today’s Guardian, couples with no fertility problems may be opting for IVF to cut out the time and hassle of babymaking. One of these couples may be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt who, apparently, didn’t have the time or patience to try the usual way. It is possible that this trend may be encouraged by fertility clinics that aim to improve their success rates by treating fertile young couples instead of infertile old crocs.  This may be happening at a clinic near you, “although no one can put a figure on this phenomenon”.

What I would like to know is, where are these magical clinics where you can get an instant appointment and then get pregnant, almost guaranteed it seems, on your first go?

Remembering and forgetting

Our second baby would have been two on Sunday. I didn’t remember until yesterday. I forgot our third baby’s first birthday, and our fourth and fifth babies’ miscarriage day, in March. I would have to work out the due dates and miscarriage dates of babies six, seven and eight – I have never committed them to memory.

It’s not that they don’t matter any more, now that I have a live baby inside me – I still visit the grave of baby number three and cry over what might have been, had any of them survived. It’s just that it is all part of the big pit of infertility and no more or less painful than any other failed cycle or treatment or kick in the guts.

Other people mark their baby’s short life by planting a tree or creating a memory box. Some people say that not a day goes by that they don’t think about their lost baby. I spend most of my time thinking about the baby inside me and looking forward to the life I wasn’t sure I’d ever have.

Contrary to what some people have said to me, it didn’t get easier each time. My hardest miscarriage, my blackest moment was last summer, miscarriage number six. When that baby died, after a promising start, I knew there was very little hope left. I didn’t really mourn the baby that I’d lost, just the one I thought I would never have. It was all part of the same ordeal.

Now I feel like a champion. I don’t feel like I have anything to mourn. I did it. I’m going to have a baby. I will always be an infertile – not a day goes by that I don’t think about infertility, how it has changed me, how so many others are still suffering and how it will be with me forever. But I am one of the lucky ones and right now that has more significance than anything else.