I have been trying to be cavalier about this cycle, at least in print. (Of course you know that IRL I have organised even my breathing schedules around it.) Yes, I have taken the pills, eaten the protein, worked out all the important dates. So even though my head is about to pop with expectation, my veneer is intact.

Until now. Three days of light brown spotting post-O can crack the smoothest finish. In all the, oh 30 or 40 cycles I’ve been monitoring, I have never had spotting until 7dpo at the earliest. So WTF is going on? Spotting at or a day after O I could understand, but 2, 3 and 5dpo?

Please, please tell me this is a symptom of pregnancy, because at this stage that is the only thing I want to hear. I have processed all the premature ovarian failure information and I know where we stand (or squat) there. Just don’t give me any more obstacles to factor into our already pathetic diagnosis.

So, anybody?

I am sick, could be the Naltrexone.

Have had spotting and cramps at 2/3/4dpo…???

MIL has had another angina attack, probably because her settlement hearing on Tuesday was canceled by the other side.

It is raining and raining and raining.

I am having fun with my best boy.

So, all in all, not such a bad Friday the 13th, considering.

We’ve had enough of IVF. It’s time for a new plan.

I went to see a new doctor last week. He’s an advocate of natural fertility, which is not particularly something I have time for, but I may as well be doing something while I’m waiting for my body to let me know what’s next. New Doc thinks my recurrent miscarriage problem, coupled with my high FSH, is indicative of an autoimmune disorder. I welcome such a hypothesis, as the bad luck theory just doesn’t cut it for me any more. New Doc has put me on Naltrexone, an opioid receptor antagonist used to treat alcoholics and drug addicts. Low dose Naltrexone has had some success in clinical trials for autoimmune disorders such as multiple sclerosis and Crohn’s disease.

In the meantime, Old Doc will monitor my FSH while we try naturally for a few cycles, followed by a few cycles of Clomid with follicle tracking, and then, if my acupuncturist is successful in lowering my FSH level, we will have one last go at IVF.

So it’s a plan. A clueless, shot in the dark, last ditch attempt at salvaging what’s left of my dwindling fertility. But it’s the only plan we’ve got.

It’s been almost two years since that first miscarriage. Not a minute has gone by that I haven’t been gripped with panic at my sheer desperation to be pregnant again. I have been obsessed and depressed, hidden from view, sick to my stomach with pain and anxiety and stress.

Of course I put on a brave face for my boys, try to limit the effect on them. But is this it for me? Subsistence living, putting one foot in front of the other, one tear on top of another, getting through the day, doing it all over again and again and again?

Is this as good as it gets?

Baby is gone. I’m heartbroken. I really, really loved this baby, could touch it, smell it, feel the letdown as I fed it.

I tried everything to hold on to my baby – Heparin, Prednisolone, progesterone, aspirin, high dose folic acid, acupuncture, hypnotherapy, visualisation, PMA, rest, relaxation, hoping, praying, begging, pleading. I visited our babies’ grave and asked for guidance but couldn’t help feeling that they might be wondering why this baby should get to live when they didn’t.

All I can do now is pray for an early bleed so we can try again. Are you looking at me with pity? What chance does the infertile woman who’s had five consecutive miscarriages have?? Why can’t she just be grateful for what she’s got??? What doesn’t she just adopt????

When we started IVF, my doctor said to me “Brave women are generally rewarded”. So we’ll keep going.

It looks like I am pregnant again. I am very reluctant to say it after what happened the last two times but I am forever optimistic and don’t want the event to go unmarked regardless of the outcome.

I got another pink line today. It’s not strong enough for a photo but it is there and it is pink.

I am still wondering if it is just a dodgy batch of tests, or if some Internet cheapies are capable of picking up unpregnant levels of HCG. Remember, I went 13 cycles in 2005/06 without a shadow of a line and after that I only managed to conceive by IUI/IVF. And now, with an FSH level of 17, I have had natural pregnancies two cycles in a row. The odds of someone with my FSH level conceiving at all are 2%. So this is hard to believe. The dodgy test theory seems more plausible.

But then we did spend two years dealing with male factor. DH has been fixed since Christmas. Maybe his little fellas are finally getting their act together. And high FSH does not necessarily mean poor quality eggs, not at my youthful age anyway.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please god. And anyone else who has any sway. Please.

I’m watching the Arctic Monkeys at Glastonbury on TV. I feel happy. There is more to life.

I went to Glastonbury eight times between 1990 and 2002. It was an annual pilgrimage, no matter where in the world I was living. I was, still am, in love with the place. It has a magic that no other festival can match, no amount of commercialisation can displace. I always thought that I would bring my children there one day. We would rent a camper van, park in the family field, visit the circus, the theatre, picnic at the top of the hill watching Billy Bragg and Van Morrison, Glastonbury staples.

So why are the three of us not there this year? Same reason we’re not anywhere – TTC. For almost two and a half years I have been a slave to the rhythm, never missing a beat, a cycle, an opportunity. No more.

I have already committed to a weekend away in August, ten days away in September. That means no IVF until October. Whatever.

Woohoo, Arctic Monkeys encore – I love Glastonbury!

P.S. I got a line.

Monday 11th: HCG trigger shot, 5000iu
Wednesday 13th: ovulation
Tuesday 19th, 6dpo: very, very faint line on HPT
Wednesday, 7dpo: very, very faint line on HPT
Thursday 21st, 8dpo: slightly stronger line
Friday 22nd, 9dpo: fainter line, about the same as Tues and Wed

Feel like I’m having another miscarriage, watching the lines get fainter and fainter. And yes, I did think I was pregnant yesterday. Maybe I was. I doubt it though, just one of those nasty tricks of nature for those of us unfortunate enough to test compulsively.

Once again shattered, kicked in the gut, isolated, deflated.

Still hoping for tomorrow.

FYI: A shot of HCG, the pregnancy hormone, can be given to trigger ovulation. Ovulation should occur approximately 36 hours later. The length of time that the HCG stays in the system depends on the amount administered and the metabolism of the individual, however a rule of thumb is that half of the HCG leaves the system every 24 hours. Thus, a shot of 5,000iu HCG would decrease as follows:

Day 1: 5000
Day 2: 2500
Day 3, O: 1250
Day 4, 1dpo: 625
Day 5, 2dpo: 313
Day 6, 3dpo: 156
Day 7, 4dpo: 73
Day 8, 5dpo: 37
Day 9, 6dpo: 18
Day 10, 7dpo: 9
Day 11, 8dpo: 5
Day 12, 9dpo: trigger gone

The body has about 5iu HCG when not pregnant so anything above that is considered positive for pregnancy. The average HPT measures a level of about 20iu HCG, so a positive test after about 8dpo should not be a false positive. Be warned though, Internet cheapies can catch about 10iu HCG – I know this as I was getting very faint lines when my beta was 10.

I want to make something absolutely clear. The failure of our recent IVF cycle is the worst thing that has happened to us on our TTC journey. This is way, way worse than when our baby died last year at 12 weeks. Then, we had a baby to love and hold, we will always have a grave to visit. This time we didn’t even get a good follicle. Never mind an egg, an embryo, a foetus, a baby. We are so fucked up that we can’t even get on the first step. We probably never will.

Last year I left our baby’s burial with so much hope, that I would be pregnant again by IUI within a few months. It didn’t happen, but I was still ovulating, nothing wrong with me as far as we were concerned. And then the wonderful news, DH’s varicocele ligation had been successful, his little fellas were swimming again. Surely pregnancy was just a matter of some hard work and dedication? We have never been short of that and smugly thought that it would as simple as IVF. We thought we’d been through the mill enough already. Ha!! Turns out I am a poor responder. Even the medical staff at our clinic were shocked, there had been no indication of this before. So why can someone have a great response on IUI meds and then a terrible one on IVF meds? It just happens. My FSH has shot up and there is no turning back the clock.

We will keep trying as long as the clinic will keep taking our money. But don’t be under the impression that this is getting any easier for us, just because we have been through so much already. As we get closer and closer to the end, the nightmare becomes the reality, we now live it every minute of every day.

We do have a good life together, the three of us – please don’t suggest that my desire for children precludes me from loving my husband and son, that is ridiculous. Nobody could love their family as much as I do, as anyone who ever wanted a family as much as I do. I know I am one lucky mother, it’s just a tough life these days.

At 7am on Wednesday we will be doing TSI.

What does that mean? Well, it’s medical terminology for throwing caution to the wind and doing what everyone else gets to do for free. Unfortunately for us it’s taken a few thousand quid’s worth of blood, sweat and tears to find out that the only thing we can do at this stage is have a shag. Or Timed Sexual Intercourse.

Follicles today were 17mm, 12mm, 10mm, 9mm and 8mm. I trigger tonight so only really a chance of one egg (follicles should be about 18mm before the trigger shot is administered in order for them to release a mature egg, and even then there is no guarantee that there was an egg inside in the first place). It’s funny but my doctor didn’t tell me today that it only takes one, in fact I got the distinct impression that one is definitely not enough. I guess that’s that myth out the window! I suspect he’d say the same about that one solitary sperm that’s supposed to be all you need.

Still, ever the optimist, I’ll be giving it my best shot. I’ve had 12 days of maximum dose drugs so if there is an egg, it should be in tip top shape by now. My lining is thick and DH is firing on all cylinders these days. How can we lose??!?!?!

Make sure you think of us at 7am on Wednesday.