Feebee – CD9

A beautiful sunny day, just what the doctor ordered! Still have brown bleeding, but lighter now. Still feeling a bit weepy, but more positive today. So, onwards and upwards.

Feebee – CD8

I don’t want to spend the next few days moaning about my cycle or my miscarriage. I don’t want to, but it’s the nature of the beast, so bear with me.

I’m still having brown bleeding, so have no idea what stage of my cycle I’m really at. However, I’m going to proceed as usual for CD8, which means the BD marathon starts here. In August (the month I got pregnant) I made poor DH BD every night but one from CD8 to CD20 (he had CD9 off). We had started off doing the sperm meets egg plan, but I panicked and was afraid to take a night off! The reason we kept going until CD20 (O’d on CD16) was because I met a friend who was newly pregnant after TTC for 6 months. I asked her if she’d done anything different the month she conceived and she said that someone had recommended that they BD for an extra couple of nights after getting +OPK, just to be on the safe side. So they BD’d for 4 nights after +OPK, and so did we. Worked for both of us, so will give it another go this month.

As for the m/c, I’ve been feeling very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sad for the last couple of days, but what can you do? It’s all part of the deal.

Feebee – CD7

What a s**t day – rain is pissing down and I’ve started heavy brown bleeding. Am getting fed up of AF (is it, isn’t it?) now and just want to get on with my cycle. I also have a black eye. DS whacked me in the face with a remote control when I was in bed at the weekend. It didn’t look too bad at first, but as it heals it’s starting to look well dodgy. DH is mortified. Only 3 people have had the guts to ask me about it. I’ve lost count of the amount of people who’ve stared at it without mentioning it. If I was on crutches or had my arm in a sling, people would be falling over themselves to give me a bit of sympathy.

All sympathy welcome!!!

Feebee – CD6

The mystery continues… I’ve had more pregnancy symptoms in the last 2 days than in the previous 2 weeks! Let me say from the outset that I do not think I’m pregnant, but the momentum created by the narrative of my situation keeps me skipping along.

We took ourselves off for the weekend to a farm by the sea, close to Rosslare. DS LOVES animals, so spent the weekend shrieking with excitement, as much at cats and birds as at goats and cows. We survived a restaurant (DS is 21 months, but fairly easy-going), and BD’d just for fun!!!

I mentioned a +OPK on Sat. It wasn’t quite + but a fairly strong line. Had another one on Sat night, and, mindful of the fact that OPKs can test + for HCG, I tried again on Sun morning – a lighter line. Meanwhile, I had had fairly painful breasts all Sat night, and this continued yesterday. Interesting.

Brown spotting started yesterday morning, and has continued today. I tried another OPK yesterday evening and got a very faint line, so I don’t think it indicates anything other than the fact that my system is out of whack. My breasts are still sore but not as much as they were yesterday. The only other symptom (of what?) I’ve had today is this – I was giving DS his breakfast when a huge wave of nausea came over me, I thought it would pass but it didn’t and I had to leg it upstairs and ended up retching into the toilet.

Sounds good you might think, but there’s more. I found another HPT. My GP gave it to me when she confirmed my pregnancy last month. I’d put it away and forgotten about it – felt like an alcoholic who’d just discovered a bottle of whiskey at the back of the wardrobe! BFN. As BFN as you can get. It did show a very faint line when I checked it about an hour later, but as I’m quite expert at analysing HPTs these days, I can confirm that it was an evaporation line.

So I’m (almost certainly) not pregant, and I may or may not have had AF. Because of this, I’m slightly concerned that I may not ovulate in the next few weeks, or if I do, I may miss it – I used way too many OPKs over the weekend! Will just have to rely on my old mate, CM, to keep me informed. Will let you know.

Feebee – CD4

What’s going on? Looks like I had a 1-day AF, an OPK reckons I’m having a LH surge, and my final HPT tells me to stop being ridiculous and get on with my life. Anyone have an explanation?

Feebee – CD3

Life goes on. I woke up this morning and I still had a wonderful husband and a fantastic son. We all took the day off and had fun, far away from the daily humdrum. I remembered that it wasn’t life-threateningly crucial that I got pregnant this month, and that it’s not even absolutely necessary that it happens next month. We would love a few more additions to our special little family, and chances are it will happen sometime soon.

I spent a while today thinking about work (in a good way – ideas, plans, hopes for new projects). It struck me that if I had got pregnant straight after the miscarriage, I would have been playing an even more intense waiting game – first to get to 6 weeks, then to get to 12. All other life would have been put on hold. So I’ve been set free to do and think about other things for a few weeks.

I had a couple of glasses of wine last night, a cup of coffee this morning. I’ve had peanuts, camembert, another glass of wine tonight and I may even treat myself to a few pints and, what the hell, a whipped ice-cream over the weekend.

So life is ok again, but there is the small matter of AF, I wonder if anyone can advise me – she arrived on Wed night, started with thick brown blood and became red and heavy fairly quickly. Was still red and heavy yesterday morning, but by the evening had eased off considerably and by this morning was almost gone completely. I’ve had no blood whatsoever since lunchtime. Did anyone have AF like this post-miscarriage? I’ve read about really heavy AFs after m/c but not about really light or short ones. It did cross my mind that it could have been a heavy implantation bleed, but a BFN and absolutely no symptoms convinced me otherwise.

Feebee – CD2

It’s all over for this month, AF arrived last night. It was like the miscarriage all over again – light bleeding, praying it would stop but knowing I had to prepare for the worst. It got heavy soon after, so at least I was put out of my misery.

The first blood was really dark brown and thick, more than I’ve ever seen before. Now it’s more like real blood than AF blood and very heavy – does anyone who has had a m/c recognise this?

It’s possible I got my dates wrong. Originally I thought I’d O’d on 20 September, which would make yesterday 15dpo. It was only when I got another line on OPK on 25 Sept that I changed my dates. Could I have O’d twice? It also means that the faint line I got on Sat could have been at 11dpo, which could mean a chemical pregnancy. I’m really clutching at straws here, and I don’t know whether I’d rather believe in a chemical pregnancy or none at all. Don’t suppose it matters much in the long run, but for now I just can’t believe that it didn’t happen this month. We did everything right, we’re obviously fairly fertile in the first place (took 3 months last time, only once the time before), and I thought that EVERYONE who tried straight after m/c hit the target first time.

So now I need to start finally dealing with the miscarriage. I need to think about the baby I lost, without putting all my energy into trying to replace it. I have to stop putting my life on hold until I get pregnant, or I might find that too much of it has passed me by. And I have to cry when I feel like it, however inconvenient it is for others.

DH is also going through hell. His mother is very ill (she had 3 strokes and almost died in the week leading up to our wedding in May), but far worse than that, the family is fighting over who will pay for her care (his dad died a few years ago), with poor DH stuck in the middle. Yesterday it emerged that the only way to do it is for us to remortgage our house. DH has just left his job to go to college for a year, and I only work part-time, so we’re going to have to make some tough decisions. This will help take our minds off TTC though, so there’s a small positive.

Thank you to everyone who followed my story, and for all your messages of support – I’ll take them with me into next month’s ordeal. DH has promised me that it will happen next month, so it looks like we’ll be having a July baby. Nobody has contacted me about taking over here and doing another 2ww diary (any takers???), so I might hang around for a while and give it another go in a few weeks time. I wish the very best of luck to those waiting to test and huge congratulations to those who have just got their BFP.

Talk soon

Feebee xxx

PS I ordered 50 (fifty!) HPTs from saveontests.com. I’m going to get a BFP this month if I have to test 5 times a day for it!

Feebee – 10 DPO

As promised (see yesterday’s comments), I didn’t test this morning. You see, I have willpower, I just need an incentive!

The cramping has been mild and intermittent, in fact, if I wasn’t watching my body so closely I doubt I’d even notice it. Did have to get up to pee during the night, and I’ve had a slight pain behind my left boob this morning, but no other symptoms to report.

Just before I left this morning I had some slightly darker than usual CM on my pants. Not brown, but a pale mustardy yellow colour. Was expecting to see more of it when I wiped, but that CM was clear. My initial reaction when I saw my pants was a calm feeling of “Oh well, I suppose that’s it”, a mixture of disappointment and relief. The relief part came from the fact that I thought I had been put out of my misery, and although I didn’t get a result, at least I was somewhat back in control. This was immediately followed by a feeling of terror, but it did make me realise for a second that if AF does arrive, it won’t be the end of the world; no-one will have died and nothing will have been taken away from me, it will just mean I will have my baby in July and not June.

When I got to work I went to the loo again, and when I wiped this time there was clear CM with blobs of brown in it. AF or implantation bleed? You decide.

Feebee – 9 DPO

I’m in turmoil. Started having fairly heavy AF pains last night. They have subsided this morning but are still with me. This could be implantation or it could be the imminent arrival of the dreaded AF. So, I might be pregnant or I might not be. The pain is not the same as the lower abdomen ache I had at this stage last month; it is the all over torso ache, accompanied by a mild sick feeling, I get when AF arrives. The one positive is that there has been no bleeding, only clear CM when I wipe. I did get one spot of red blood with my cramps last month, no sign of that today. I am terrified of AF, and have been running off to the loo to wipe every hour. In fact, I’m so nervous I feel as if I have to give a perfomance or talk for which I am completely unprepared.

I wish I had a symptom to cling to. I still have that slight ache behind my boobs, but no pain when I touch them. I did have to get up to pee twice during the night, but I put that down to my AF terror keeping me awake. I’m not hungry, not nauseous, not tired. Only a tiny bit of creamy CM on my pants. You may have gathered from my early posts that I was almost certain I was pregnant. Now I’d give myself a 50-50 chance at best.

I tested with an OPK yesterday evening. When there was no 2nd line whatsoever after about 5 mins, guess what I did next? BFN, not even evap line. Same routine again this morning, same result. I had a vague panic that Saturday’s test may have been a very, very slight positive and that I’d had a chemical pregnancy, but it is unlikely that I implanted on or before 6dpo and there was enough HCG in my system to register at that stage.

I think the secret to maximising your sanity during the 2ww is to hold off testing for as long as possible. The first HPT opens the floodgates and it’s almost impossible to go a day without testing after that. My advice is to HPT addicts is to try and get to 8 or 9dpo before the madness begins. Only 3 HPTs left.

Feebee – 8 DPO

I’m feeling slightly saner today. Tested again yesterday (why, why?), BFN, not even a shadow of a line. So Saturday’s must have been an evaporation line 🙁 I looked at the remaining HPTs this morning (only 5 left!) and thought “don’t be ridiculous”, so some element of normality is resumed.

No symptoms to report really. No night pee, no cramps, boobs still have that slight ache behind them but not tender. I had some creamy CM yesterday morning, but hardly any since. I do feel really tired today though, not in a sleepy way, just feel lacklustre and heavy.

I did find one piece of interesting information on my Google rampage last night – apparently OPKs can show + for pregnancy, as HCG and LH are almost identical. Obviously it’s not recommended that one rely on this, but as I have about 30 OPKs and only 5 HPTs, I may conduct an “experiment”.