Feebee – CD15

I was going to write a woe-is-me post about an hour ago, but the voices in my head said “Step away from the computer, this too shall pass”. So I did and it did.

No CM at all this morning, a small amount of EWCM now. No table available at my special bday restaurant earlier, a cancellation available now. No +OPK yesterday, the voices say I might get one tomorrow.

Unfortunately there will be no more OPKs, used last saveontests yesterday and refuse blindly to buy from local chemist. Have about 35 HPTs though – never manage to get the balance right!

It’s our joint bday weekend – DH’s bday is Monday so we always have a big night out on the weekend in between. So hope y’all have a good one – we will!

Feebee – CD14

No signs of O whatsoever – no EWCM, no cramps and barely a shadow on OPKs. I need to be 6/7 DPO for blood tests when I see my gynae next Thurs, so hoping it will show up soon.

Feel a little like I’m teetering on the edge of the infertility abyss at the moment. Suppose it’s a combination of bday, looming gynae appt and way too much Internet research! Will probably be back to normal in a day or 2 (or if I manage to get a sneaky BD in when O arrives!).

Feebee – CD12

It’s my birthday. Was planning on being upbeat today, but instead am feeling very sad and finding it hard not to think about where I expected my life to be by now. No, actually, scrap that and let’s start again…

It’s my birthday today! We’re going out later and it’s going to be the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!! I didn’t get my present yet thanks to a postal strike, but it’s going to make it EVEN MORE SPECIAL when I do get it. And that goes for everything else I’m waiting on too.

Onwards and upwards.

Feebee – CD11

I can highly recommend taking a month off TTC if it has become an obsession. Not that wild horses could have dragged me away from it before my LP defect was identified, but I’m loving the “whatever happens, happens” approach we’re having to take this month. Since July I have had my poor DH on a rota of pretty much 2 weeks on (yes, every night), 2 weeks off. It’s mentally exhausting, not to mention the physical exertion. So now we’re doing it for fun, when we feel like it, and not at all for a few nights if that’s what we want.

Dontcha just hate when people say “at least you’ll have fun trying”? Yeah, I love it best when, for the 13th day in a row, I’ve been up since 7am, have done a full day’s work, picked up DS, come home and cooked, cleaned, played with DS and put him to bed, and finally when I’ve checked all the signs for maximum fertility – that’s when I feel at my sexiest!!!

As someone else said, “trying” can be very trying.

So I’m loads more relaxed and feeling fabulous! Another reason for this is, every time AF arrives people say “look after yourself”, “treat yourself”. Now, I scrub up well on a night out and make an effort with general grooming, but in the past haven’t bothered much with make-up during the week. With all the looking after and treating though, I find myself with a whole range of Benefit beauty products that are so yummy I want to use them every day. Thanks for the encouragement folks!

Feebee – CD8

After months of feeling confident I wouldn’t need it, I finally bought Taking Charge of Your Fertililty by Toni Weschler. I skulked into Waterstones at lunchtime and sulked as soon as I saw the pregnancy section. Much like I sulked in Boots at the weekend, when I had to buy my basal body thermometer.

I asked my GP whether or not we should be trying this month, and she said we might as well as my LP varies in length. She also said that at my age (35) we probably wouldn’t want to waste a month. She is right. However, a fellow TTC-er, who has also suffered from a LP defect, advised me to wait until it’s sorted out, to save myself the heartache of another m/c or chemical pregancy. She is also right.

I have made a decision to sit on the fence. We will have unprotected sex this month, but I will not force DH to perform at certain times, as decided by soul-destroying little sticks (I hate them all) dipped in pots of pee. I will still have to co-operate with the sticks (b*****ds) in order to date O, but they will not be the boss of me this month!!! We will go back to the old-fashioned way of BDing – for fun, when we feel like it!!!!!

Disclaimer: I may change my mind about this, but for now I’m just going to chill out and enjoy the weekend without any TTC pressure.

Feebee – CD6

I’ve decided I’m on CD6 and not CD5 today, as I had spotting last Friday and Fertility Friend tells me that makes today CD6. I’m all for moving things along as quickly as possible, so here we are.

I started temping yesterday, recorded a temp of 35.88, today it’s 36.44. Seems like a very big jump compared to the other charts I’ve looked at. Maybe I was just cold yesterday morning?!?! Had 2 fairly restless nights, so not expecting to get the hang of this straight away.

I’ve managed to get a gynae appointment with my ob for 2 weeks time, so I’m delighted. It will be coming up to a week after O (hopefully) so she can measure my progesterone and oestrogen levels to see what the problem is. One thing I’m not sure about is, should we be trying this cycle? If I was to get pregnant and it did stick, what then? Would it be a matter of wait and see, or would I be able to get treatment while I was pregnant? Think I will call my GP in the morning for some advice.

Maybe we’ll all be up the duff by Christmas!!! Woohoo!!!!!!!!

Feebee – CD4

Thanks for all your support and advice girls, has cheered me up and helped me move on. Also, Halloween was a huge success and I didn’t even think about TTC all evening! It means I can look forward to Christmas without worrying that AF will arrive and spoil it.

I have spoken to my GP and a fertility care practitioner and it seems I do have a problem (my m/c could also be related to this). GP will do blood tests to check my progesterone and oestrogen levels a week after O, and will refer me to a specialist. If the bloods show a problem, it should be fairly easy to fix. Could be a few months before we get to see anyone, but we will keep trying in the meantime!

I’m trying to get my head around the fact that we could be in for the long haul, but am also pleased that there is something we can do about it. It’s the powerlessness of TTC that gets me down the most – this way we can take back some control, even if it takes longer than expected.

Feebee – 9 DPO/CD1

What a day – a BFP, AF and plenty of tears. Don’t have the time or energy to go into detail now, but just a couple of hours after a definite pink line, AF arrived. I’m gutted and concerned about the length of my luteal phase. Don’t know how I’m ever going to implant an egg if my body keeps deciding it’s time for AF at 7/8dpo. Will go and see doctor next week.

Feebee – 8 DPO

Looks like it might be all over again for this month. Had cramping in lower abdomen last night (stronger than before but not as strong as pre-AF cramps last month), so guessed it was either implantation or AF. I also had pain in the left side of my abdomen, similar to O pain, so was not giving up just yet. No other symptoms apart from unbelievable exhaustion by about 9.30pm.

Another BFN this morning. No symptoms (apart from feeling demented) and no CM, until I got into work and noticed sticky yellow/brown CM on my pants. When I wiped there was clear CM with blobs of brown – exactly like last month. Since then I have felt mild cramps and a sick feeling I usually get with AF (probably compounded by sick feeling about TTC in general). I haven’t given up all hope just yet, but maybe I should so I can get on with things. No need to say how devastated I feel right now.

I am also worried about my short LP. I never kept track of my cycle before TTC this time, but in the last 6 months I have noticed that my LP is never longer than about 10 days, and has been 7 days. However, I did get pregnant in August, so maybe it’s not a problem. Must spend several hours online now looking into it!

Feebee – 7 DPO

Of course I did. Of course it was BFN. Thought I saw a line that wasn’t an evaporation line (and believe me, I know the life cycle of the BFN saveontests/testsforless dipstick HPT a lot better than the back of my hand), but am well aware that if my mind is going to play tricks, now’s the best time to do it.

So, back to symptom analysing. Boobs a bit achy this morning, but not sore to the touch and not even achy any more. Slight AF cramping earlier but none now. Lots of flutters in lower abdomen last night and slight pinching this morning. A small amount of creamy CM. No nausea. Had a restless night thinking about the outcome of all of this, and DH didn’t sleep much worrying about his mother. Did have to get up to pee, but only as I was awake anyway. One symptom I had in August (pregnant cycle) that made me think I might be pregnant was a hunger ache, which I recognised from my first pregnancy. I first reported this at 5dpo (!) and it continued on and off until my m/c. Haven’t had this at all this time.

In August, I posted on Magic Mum at 7dpo that I had no symptoms but was absolutely convinced I was pregnant. I just had a feeling that it would be our month, even before the 2ww began. I’m still feeling positive this month, but lack that certainty. Only time will tell!